ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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