Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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