My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
