My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
