just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
