The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
People in love make me want to vomit
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
