I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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