Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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