I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
