Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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