I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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