he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
