If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
