You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Don't make out with my wife yet
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
