I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
