The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
