my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
