ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
