Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
