Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
