I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
