How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
