i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
