i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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