I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
