So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize