dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
