I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
