I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
