Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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