HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
