i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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