He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
