if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
