im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
