My liver just broke up with me...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize