she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
