My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
