a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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