Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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