Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
