Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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