im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize