Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
