I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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