shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
