My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
