If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
