When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize