My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
