Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
