she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize