I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize