she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Actions speak louder than pants.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
