just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize