her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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